How to Talk to Your Kids about Bullying

For a long time, a singular picture of bullying lived in my mind: this, an image of a bigger-than-average child stealing the lunch money off a smaller-than-average child. 

Always, the two characters were boys. Always, the negative behavior ended when the smaller boy stuck up for himself, and the bigger boy realized he’d been wrong, subsequently apologizing for his actions. 

Never were the long-term effects of bullying discussed in the afterschool specials I consumed as a child, but as a parent raising elementary-aged children in the world today, I can no longer ignore the reality of bullying on our children today. 

Perhaps this is an invitation to us not only to understand the ethics of bullying, but also to learn how to talk to our kids about bullying. 

According to the government website, Stop Bullying, bullying and cyberbullying are categorized differently – although the intent to hurt another person is the same. The long-lasting effects remain for both the one who bullies and the one who is bullied. 

Bullying itself can be broken down into three main areas: verbal, social, and physical.

Verbal bullying involves “saying or writing mean things.” This can include teasing, name-calling and taunting, to name a few. 

Social (or relational) bullying “involves hurting someone’s reputation or relationships.” This can include leaving someone out or purposefully instructing other kids not to be friends with someone. 

Finally, physical bullying often “involves hurting a person’s body or possessions.” Perhaps like you, this is the type of bullying I long-believed all bullying to be, the type of physicality that includes hitting, kicking and pinching, as well as tripping or pushing someone on purpose. 

While other websites, such as Very Well Family, define bullying in six ways, including sexual bullying, prejudicial bullying and cyberbullying, it is important to note the differences that exist in cyberbullying. 

Cyberbullying, of course, “takes place over digital devices like cell phones, computers and tablets.” It occurs over text, email, social media or in an online gaming community, but the desire to post false, harmful and mean content or information about someone else is much the same. 

As a parent, I must recognize the unique attributes of cyberbullying: its persistency, permanency and ability to remain largely hidden from the watchful eyes of adults make it doubly hard to detect. 

Whatever the type of bullying behavior, “when adults respond quickly and consistently … they send the message that it is not acceptable.” Whether you’re driving home from soccer practice, riding the subway with your 11-year-old in tow, or sitting at the dinner table with a scrumptious feast plated before you, engage in conversation with your kids. 

Just as you’ve educated yourself by reading this article, consider some of the following discussion questions from Old Orchard Junior High School:

• What is bullying? How do you define it? 
• What can parents do to help stop bullying? 
• Have you ever tried to help someone who was being bullied at school? What happened? 

Your child may roll their eyes. They may not have a whole lot to say other than, “Whatever, Mom,” in that moment – but you also open a door of safety and communication to them. Regardless of their response, when you engage in hard conversations, you show them that there is a line that cannot and will not be crossed. 

Bullying is real. But so is your relationship with your child. 

Might you grow together as you engage in the kinds of conversations that matter, further becoming a safe space for your child to land if something does ever occur.

If your child is being bullied, you can get help now. According to the Stop Bullying website, “all states have laws requiring schools to respond to bullying, and as cyberbullying has become more prevalent with the use of technology, many states now include cyberbullying … under these laws.”